As I look back on my pregnancy losses, I only remember the bad feelings. It’s interesting how the mind captures traumatic events. I can still feel the discomfort and the hormonal changes and mood swings. I very clearly recall, from the beginning of the pregnancies, that something was not quite right. Specific smells remind me of the daily struggle to find joy in my life. I’m sure there were pleasant things happening to me then, but my memory is so clouded by the loss and the overwhelming feelings that accompany it. It left a bitter taste.
I never wanted to be pregnant again. I didn’t want to experience the highs and lows of finding out another life was growing. To have dreams and expectations for this life, and then be left wanting. To be left to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, once again.
I thought I had healed. I processed and accepted each loss. As I wrote my thoughts and feelings down on tear stained paper, I felt the weight of grief lift away. I shared, and still share, about my losses – to respect the life lost and to bring more awareness to pregnancy and infant loss. I felt healed.
Healing that I never knew I needed.
And then I got pregnant again. All of the feelings of doubt, insecurity, and abandonment came flooding back. I was angry with my husband for not getting a vasectomy. I was angry at myself for letting this happen – I should have been more careful. I thought about all of the ways that I could have prevented this, many of them were already part of my monthly routine though. I felt anxiety creeping in. So I prayed and sniffed some oils.
And then I realized that maybe this could be a gift. I told myself that I don’t want to live in fear. I don’t want to feel anger and hatred. So I allowed myself to process through the grief – the anxiety and the worry – and then I moved on to the possibilities. The beauty of this gift. The joy surrounding new life, and the hope… I heard a small voice whisper “Its going to be okay.”
It seems serendipitous that the verse that we chose for our family verse this year is Hebrews 6:19
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."
So this pregnancy has proven to be a blessing that I never thought I wanted. I've also experienced healing that I never thought I needed, a healing that I've never known before. I am looking forward to this pregnancy and all it holds. This is part of life's great adventure! I'm choosing to live in grace and to fill my mind with joy and positivity.